Category Archives: depression

What I Feel!

As a writer and philosopher I carry the heaviest burden and the deepest pain of seeing a nation I cannot change, a people I cannot save, a world who’s future is bleak and dark who’s destiny I cannot prevent.

 No one can ever understand how I feel inside and what it is I carry in my heart. Only one like me will understand this burden and pain that resides within me.

All I can do is the one thing I know how…write. Write in hope that somewhere someone who can direct these changes will see, understand and hear the message. I write in hopes that maybe, just maybe, I can make a difference even if small. Even the smallest spark can start the greatest of fires!

Maybe my small spark of desire for change will inflame the world with the fires of hope and change! Maybe not today, but maybe tomorrow the fires of change will rage!

 I carry a burden no one can take from me and it is heavy.
I feel a pain no one can cure and it runs deep in my soul.
I carry a hope for a hopeless future.
I carry the spark that could very well set the world ablaze!

Neal Stone
Philosopher of the Bayou
The Final Transmission

I Live a Life

I don’t choose a life, I live one.  Each day I see an opportunity to not only make a difference in the lives of others, but in my own life.

Each day I look for the chance to do something unplanned and off the wall.  Sometimes others surprise me, sometimes I surprise myself.  I will plan something, but am ready for those plans to change at a moments notice.

I live my life like the wind at times.  While I stay grounded and plan for things that need planning, I am not afraid to change other plans as I go and do something far greater than I originally expected.

In the midst of my fears, anxiety and depression there is a tremendous amount of discovery and courage that has allowed me to face all of my fears and worries.  Even being terrified of water, yet there I am body surfing in the Gulf.  The fear of not living is the worst one of all and that fear I will defeat.

I live my life, I find my own path and if no path is set, I make one.

I am a leaf in the wind and never know where I will land next!

My Trek – That One Brief Moment

“Q: …We wanted to see if you had the ability to expand your mind and your horizons. And for one brief moment, you did.
PICARD: When I realized the paradox.
Q:  For that one fraction of a second, you were open to options you had never considered. That is the exploration that awaits you. Not mapping stars and studying nebulae, but charting the unknowable possibilities of existence.”
Star Trek The Next Generation – All Good Things

I small snippet of my favorite episode of STTNG.  It has always been an inspiration.  It, in my eyes, is about how the present and future can be affect by the past and you must deal with the destructiveness of the past to save your future.  It showed how everything, past, present and future is connected.

For most of my life I was always there for someone else and many times I lost myself because of this.  I never got to see who or what I was or explore my life to its potential.  I was the sacrifice for someone else’s agenda or goal.  My life was taken from me, now I’m taking it back!

This means removing and dealing with things that had or have a negative impact on my life.  Removing people from my life that were unhealthy and bad influences.  To finally set myself free and heal.

This has been my journey, dealing with destructive issues of my past to save my present and future.  To experience that one brief moment of realization of all the possibilities of my life.  To see what my life can really be and to experience and explore so much more of life.  To open my mind to options I never even considered.  To live!

That is the exploration, the journey, that awaits me!

 

Live a Life

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Do That

What makes you happy, do that.
What brings adventure to your life, do that.
What heals your heart, do that.
What brings peace to your soul, do that.

But be warned, you can’t have happiness without sorrow, you can’t have adventure without risk, you can’t have healing without pain, and you can’t have peace without turmoil.

But still, do that for it is worth all you experience to get there.

Neal Stone.
The Final Transmission

Changes

Seventeen days into 2017 and am hit with sudden and unexpected changes in my life. Just found out today that the park I live in is going on the market to be sold. Not sure at this time what will happen, but for now I plan to stay until I find the need to move. Some of my life has changed in the past few weeks, some good, some bad, but in the end I do like I do when I work security, I just roll with whatever is happening and take it a moment at a time.

If I had the money or the financing I would buy this place in a heartbeat.

2015 saw a major change in my life as I began counseling and went through a breakup, 2016 saw me rise up and 2017 is challenging me to stay afloat and that I will. I refuse to sink this time, I’ve fought too hard to get to this point. I few bad days, a few bad changes, does not mean a bad year.

I will stand my ground!

The Final Transmission – Enough

Am I not enough?

Must I truly match and stand by your religion, politics, color, race, or other life preferences? Must I stand perfectly inline with you to matter, to be enough?

Is it not enough that I serve to better myself and my fellow man, to step out and make difference? Doesn’t’ the mere act of kindness, compassion an love count regardless of who I am?

Is not the world big enough for all of us to exist in our own way, to give in our own way and to be happy as we are, to be as one world improving upon it?

When is enough hatred, bigotry, bullying, and discriminating? When will we finally have enough of separation and loss, pain and hurt, rejection and stupidity?

Why isn’t it enough? Why am I not enough? What is enough? I ask you this!

Am I not enough? If you feel that I am not, then you are not enough and I’ve had enough of you!

Neal Stone
The Final Transmission

I Am Thankful

I posted the following to my Facebook today:

“I am thankful today for the healing journey I am on. Regardless of what happened in my past, my present and future outlook is bright. I had a few false starts when I got here to Mississippi, but now I am on the right track and moving forward full speed ahead.

I am thankful for those who chose to stick with me through this journey and growing point in my life. Some of you have in-boxed me and allowed me to share details and listened. Thank you all!”

Throughout my journey I have met many people.  Some have stayed even in my darkest hour while others have left for various reason, but mostly because they didn’t have the strength to deal or they just weren’t as supportive as they claimed and were in it for themselves.  It’s amazing how fast people will leave you when you decide to live and do what is right for you and no longer live how they want you too.

My ex-gf treated me and called me an option that could be easily gotten rid of (her own words) and when things got tough, sure enough she left.  I am happy about that really.

So many others have joined my journey and watched as I moved forward and grew as a person and worked on my healing.

I am thankful for my counselor who has given me the ear to lsiten and understand and the tools and encouragement to work on my life.  She has helped me see truth about areas in my life that I needed to see.  I have made great discoveries about myself and my past.

I am thankful for knowing my future is bright and I can move forward in the new me I have become.

I am of course very thankful for my readers here on my blog.

Happy Thanksgiving Ya’ll.

Truly Waking Up

So this last week I processed and looked closer at a major part of my life.   For my entire life I was under the belief that I had suffered, as a teen and child, from severe Epilepsy.  I had seizure, medication, doctor visits and all this to confirm that this was a true part of my past life.  I have always been proud of the fact I beat the disease in my later teens and was able to move on from it.

Then it happened.  Through counseling, family testimony and by my own memories I was able to discover that the truth is I never had Epilepsy, rather it was a misdiagnosis and as it turns out the truth was much deeper and sinister.

When I reviewed the facts things just didn’t add up about me having this disease including a large dosage of medications taken daily.  On top of that I took various memories, shared by family members, and life experiences and put them together to come up with the truth of what really happened in my life.  Once I pieced together these events and memories it became quite clear of what really happened and that I was abused rather than suffering a disease.  I knew all along about some abuse, but I also knew there was more that I haven’t recalled yet.

Once I came to the truth it was like the darkness lightened a little and I felt more free.  I am fortunate to have a great counselor who has let me find the truth on my own, who has helped me understand myself and come to terms with my past.

I now move forward with greater hope than before.

The Truth Is Out There…

Lies

What do you do when you discover parts of your life were a lie? When something you went through and overcame isn’t exactly what you thought it was? When people you trusted fabricated events, symptoms and other things for their own selfish reasons, often at your expense?

You were held down, held back by something out of your control.

You get angry, but then celebrate at the truth and realization that no matter what it was…YOU BEAT THE SYSTEM! You take control and you move forward knowing that the past does not define you now nor will it ever.

I’m free! Don’t mess with it! It’s my game now and if you come against me, rest be assured your only winning move is not to play!

I will expound on this later.