In my last counseling session my counselor and I addressed what was to be the number one monster of my mind, my self-rejection issues. We found that the majority was related to being disposable, neglected or forgotten by people. We went back through my life and find many places where this occurred by people such as teachers, friends, and even parental figures in my life. This of course resulted in not accepting myself and a strong desire for people to accept me and often wanting to be close to people so I could feel important to someone.
This resulted in relationships I should have never had to begin with or becoming close to people I should not have been close too. I can honestly say that my last three relationships should never have happened and if anything, friends was all it should have ever been. When you feel unwanted all someone has to say is “I love you!” and you’re hooked. While I did love each of them, it wasn’t meant to be.
I have many close friends and love them all. But I have also had a few close friendships that shouldn’t have been. Either I got taken advantage of or it resulted in complications for them due to their relationships. Now as I look back I can learn from this as I move forward and be more strict on who I become close with. My intentions may not have been meant to be harmful but the result always was. So now I evaluate each friendship I make and determine if I need to be close or just plain friends.
Once we killed off this monster of rejection. feeling disposable and abandonment it was like a ton of bricks fell off my shoulders. I am at a place where I am happy and have never felt this good. I can hang with friends and not feel lonely anymore or feel as if I am the third wheel. I no longer feel I need nor want a girlfriend and am enjoying the freedom of doing what I want and when. I find my heat healing and myself coming to the surface. I find myself not latching onto people as before and just letting things form naturally as they should.
I no longer question myself nor do I ever allow myself to be setup on a stage to do a song and dance just to make someone else happy. I am done with that crap. I am done feeling I am never going to be good enough for someone. I am done being disposable and unwanted.
I am me, I accept who I am and not worried if you do or not!