With the counseling I can see myself more clearly than ever before and it seems I am defining myself more each day. I am definitely not the guy from a month ago who was still pining for his ex and was feeling all alone and unwanted. In fact getting my tattoo and my most recent sessions with my counselor have set me free. Seeing the root cause of most of my issues and dealing with it helps. I let myself live a lie of always being disposable and rejected and felt that anyone who ever meant anything to me would leave me sooner or later. But now I see that there is healing there in my heart and can move forward now with less regret and less self hatred as I had before. I can finally learn to love myself and work on being better without the distraction of feeling unwanted anymore.
It’s interesting the affect of feeling disposable and unwanted can have on you. You seek out close friendships and often find yourself bonding quickly to people and often times you weren’t meant to bond with them that close or that fast. You strongly desire someone to be close to to accept you as you are and maybe listen to you. It becomes a curse as you either bond too quickly or scare them off because they think you want more than friends (with girls that is). You have this deep rooted insecurity that takes over and you try to hard to make friends or make close friends. In the end it fails as befriend the wrong people, not necessarily bad people, just not people you were meant to bond with. You become excited and look forward to getting together to hang out, but often that never happens. Perhaps something is preventing it due to your desire to become too close of a friend and the risk of hurting someone.
But now as I move forward from this root cause, I can now focus solely on me as well as existing friends and not worry about being too close with anyone. I have become more comfortable in my own skin and with the existing relationships I have. Even now making plans for this weekend. I no longer feel the outsider when I go out somewhere, I feel set free and that I can accept this better version of myself I am becoming. In the end I expect to become the man my ex wanted me to be, but even then we will never get back together, but I can at least be the man someone will appreciate and be proud of.
The important factor is that I am becoming what I want and should be, a better version of the good person I truly am void on the monsters that haunted his heart and mind. My heart body and soul or on the way to healing.
I know some will read this and say, oh here we go again, because I have been down this road before. But this time feels so different, like the doubts I had before are gone. I also have two important factors added to the mix. One, my counselor who is helping me address my learned behavior issues and two, I am on my own and not in a relationship so can focus solely on myself and my healing where before I had someone in my life that became a distraction as I focused on them or worried about them too much. Also going away is this feeling I would get where it felt as if I sank into the child inside and my head got cloudy and I withdrew into myself. I really don’t miss that feeling.
As this all moves forward I feel my thoughts slowing down as my head tends to clear. I feel more at peace in my life now than ever before including a month ago where I felt so insecure that needed assurance from others about my progress as if they were the benchmark on how well I was doing.
So it is onward and forward.